I have had moments this past week where I’ve wished some things in my life were different and even where I wished I was a completely different person. But a person of my choosing because there are a ton of people I could just never be.
Here are a few:
1. All of the women on Sister Wives. I could not spend ten minutes with Kody who handles situations with his wives with all the tact of Tim Gunn in a Nebraska thrift shop. Talking to one of his wives about a legit beef she had with his behavior he said, “This could be a result of what some people might call PMS.” Jesus. Kody, you are what some people might call a retarded, balding muppet.
2. Bruce Jenner during the time he was married to Kris. That poor man. If the rumors are true then homie told her at the beginning of their relationship that he was gender-confused and considering transitioning and she was not okay with it. So not only was he stuck in a relationship that was the emotional equivalent of that kiddie pool we used to sit in during college and drink (and sometimes pee in if my suspicions are correct because sometimes it would just get a few degrees warmer at random) but he had to suppress his true self the whole time. The only good thing to come out of this is the knowledge that Kris now has to deal with the fact that for many years she was a beard the likes of which would put any of those dudes on Duck Dynasty to shame. For the record, I’d totally be Bruce now. I’d get the operation and seduce Kody Brown and tell him I had PMS all the time to keep him away while I went drinking with Christine and Janelle.
3. People who get license plate frames about their driving pet peeves. Things like “Keep honking. I’m reloading” or “If you’re gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair.” I get it. There are people on the road that drive like assholes. I call them “everyone.” The test to be able to drive should be at least as hard as the GED and if you’re caught driving without the requisite IQ the punishment should be to be married to one of those Mormon guys on TLC that pretends they aren’t gay because they’re married. But to take your annoyance with other drivers to the point where you get a license plate frame made about it at the mall while stuffing your gullet with Cinnabon? That’s a bit much.
4. Anyone who has to be a telemarketer to earn a living. I did it once to get people to volunteer to work at the polls during election time and having everyone become hostile and hang up as soon as you start talking is not really good for the ole ego. The new telemarketers are those SEO folks who bombard small business owners and even bloggers like crazy. On the bright side, I did get a laugh out of this spam comment on one of my posts the other day:
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