lifestyle

Would You Bang a Homeless Guy for a Million Bucks?

I’ve changed a lot over the past day. And I don’t mean that I’m a better person or a worse person or that I’ve done gone and forgotten my roots or any of the ways people usually mean when they say they’ve changed. I mean literally. I’ve worn four outfits today and it’s been a pretty slow day on the changing front. I think my need to change frequently stems at least in part from my having attended Catholic school growing up and being made to wear a pretty dorky, uncomfortable uniform all day. I would bust out of that thing within two minutes of being home in favor of shorts and a tshirt. These days some of my outfit changes are functional, i.e for the gym or when I get home from work but most of the time it’s just because some little thing that worked for me an hour or two earlier just doesn’t anymore. This makes it super fun come laundry time because I feel like you should always err on the side of being clean.

But no matter how much I change, I’m still the same old Amber with the same heart, likes and extreme dislikes. I’ve had a long week of being penned up in my home office churning out pages for a pretty boring federal grant proposal and since I’ve had no outlet for my thoughts they’ve been marinating. So without further adieu I present Things That Make You Go Hmmm, That’s Really Goddamn Annoying:

1. People who buy old police cars and don’t repaint them and then drive behind me on the freeway.
2. This one has gotten waaayyyy less since answering machines went the way of the VCR but people who have creative voicemail messages. Messages with long songs, messages with multiple people talking in unison with all manner of cutesy retarded singsongy shit, messages with jokes that are not funny to anyone without a blue placard hanging from their rearview mirror.
3. The fact that seemingly everyone who got flowers on Valentine’s Day felt the need to post a picture of them on social media.
milania
4. The brand Saucony. Hate the look of their stupid shoes and really hate having no clue how to say the name. So I usually do that thing where you say it either really quickly or really quietly.
5. The GoFundMe trend. Who needs life insurance when your family can just make a plea to complete strangers to fund all manner of burial needs?
kyle
6. When people in front of me turn on their windshield wipers and it seems like it’s raining on just my car but that shitty amount that when you use the wipers they instantly make that aggravating “there’s no water to wipe, bitch” sound.
7. Drive thrus with more than one lane. They bring out the worst in me.
8. Chrissy Teigen’s face. Why couldn’t her features use a little more real estate on her face than just the very center?
chrissyteigen
9. How come on every reality show where people live together since Jersey Shore the people insist on saying they’re a family? You can’t develop the deep and lasting familial bonds woven by years of resentment, aggravation and dysfunction in six weeks, kids.
10. Unnecessary belts and scarves. Why do people insist on wearing belts with tight pants or over dresses they purposely buy too big and almost as bad why do people wear shorts and think a scarf is some logical complement to the outfit?
belt

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9 out of 10 Dentists Hate You

When you make the long death march into work the morning after a three-day weekend, all the gratitude you felt at having the extra day off seems to fade into a blur of misery, fatigue and dread. If you’re having a hard time finding the bright side this dreary Tuesday and just wanna feel shitty a bit longer, then this post is dedicated to you.

Universal Truths That Just Suck

  • The “close door” button on elevators never works. Ever. In fact, it seems to keep the doors open longer if it senses that person who kinda smells/makes painfully awkward small talk is about to get on.
  • The very same food that smells fantastic being cooked at home/in a restaurant smells like mayo left in the sun all day when someone in the office microwaves it to eat at their desk. Note that the same people who do this usually wear waaay too much perfume/cologne and indulge in annoying grooming at their desk. Is it too much to hope they trip over one of the toenails they leave all over the floor and sustain a life-ending blow to the head?
  • If you think an app looks really cool or be beneficial to your life, downloading it will require updating to a new operating system, one that you have no room for on your phone because you didn’t spring for the version of your phone that cost as much as a month’s vacation in Thailand. Your life will just have to go on sucking.

forget

  • Karma works slowly. So slowly that you wonder if it’s never gonna happen, like losing your virginity or fitting into jeans without stretch again. But when it happens, karma is a glorious thing. This picture of Farrah Abraham, the most entitled, whiny, selfish bag of skin ever, is proof. Unfortunately she was able to fix it. Fortunately, she still has the ugliest cry face ever.
I kinda wanna tie her hands behind her back and make her play tetherball.

I kinda wanna tie her hands behind her back and make her play tetherball.

  • Younger generations will always annoy you with their lingo but guess what? They don’t care what you think because 30 is the new dead. Can I get “please stop calling guys your age ‘kid’, nominating people for Woman Crush Wednesday/Man Crush Monday and writing THOT” on my tombstone and still have room for 5-20 words about how rad I was?
  • If you never use coupons and you see a good one for a place you’ve been meaning to try and save it, you’ve just sealed your fate: you will go to that place and that coupon will be home on the counter mocking you.
  • It will always take waaay longer than it should for pop culture phenomenon you refuse to be a part of to go the eff away. And as soon as it does, something new and equally shitty will pop up. 50 Shades of Grey and Frozen, I’m talking to you.

Feel better? If not then I only have this one last thing to try:

bruce

You Mad(Lib), Bro?

My childhood was during a much different time. We didn’t have cell phones—we kept in touch with illegible notes filled with boxes to be checked, slam books and walkie talkies. We didn’t have organic food—kids ate only Doritos and drank only Pepsi and no one had ADHD (they were just considered little assholes). We didn’t have iPad games but we did have Mad Libs and those? Are super rad and never run out of battery when you’re hiding in the back stall at work for hours.

mario

So today, for your pleasure I bring you a Mad Lib I wrote just for you.

If you’ve ever done a Mad Lib, you can skip the next paragraph:

There is only one rule to follow in Mad Libs: Fill in each of the blank spaces with the appropriate type of word. Each blank notes what kind of word goes there, such as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. Since the content of the Mad Lib itself is adult in nature, I’m just going to pretend no one needs parts of speech broken down for them. If you do, click here for a helpful guide: http://www.thearc.org/who-we-are/history/segal-account

This particular mad lib has an option for you to do it on your own so if you want to do that then just make a list of the corresponding words you choose for the following prompts and then plug them into the body. Have fun!

  1. Adjective
  2. Curse word
  3. Things at a circus
  4. Name of friend/relative
  5. Article of clothing
  6. Adjective
  7. Body part
  8. Adjective
  9. Noun
  10. Verb
  11. Song title
  12. Body part
  13. Adjective
  14. Number above 1
  15. Body part plural
  16. Animal plural
  17. Name of your favorite song
  18. STD
  19. Super power
  20. Farm animal
  21. Verb
  22. Name of 80s sitcom
  23. Sexual favor
  24. Verb

Ma Petite’s Big Adventure

The (ADJECTIVE) day is finally here—it’s your (CURSE WORD+ty/ing if necessary) birthday. Besides the joy of being a year older and considerably more decrepit, today you have big plans. You’re going to the Freak Show, just like in American Horror Story but with 80% less (THINGS AT A CIRCUS).

You wolf down some breakfast, pick up (NAME OF FRIEND/RELATIVE) and hop in the car. Arriving at the Freak Show, you straighten your (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING) and head in. Walking in you can’t believe your (ADJECTIVE) (BODY PART).

Everywhere you look there are freaks. You walk past the (ADJECTIVE) woman, two midgets swallowing (NOUN)s and a Russian who can (VERB) in every position. Locked in a cage is an angry dwarf dancing to (SONG TITLE) while shaking the (BODY PART) it took his mama nine months to make.

You make your way past crowds to the main stage and can’t believe what you see- a (ADJECTIVE) man with (NUMBER ABOVE 1) (BODY PART PLURAL) eating live (ANIMAL PLURAL). You are so shocked that you yell (NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE SONG). You have to get out of here before you go crazy or catch (STD).

Dodging past a man balancing on stilts, a small child with the ability to (SUPER POWER ie Fly, Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound) and a pile of shit on the ground from the world’s biggest (FARM ANIMAL) you reach the tent’s exit. “We have to get out of here!” you yell to your companion who (VERB)s to keep up with you.

Finally safe in your car you sigh. “What the hell was all that?” you ask. “I think it’s safe to say that was (NAME OF 80s SITCOM). “Yeah,” you agree. Now whaddya say we go get some birthday (SEXUAL FAVORS) and get this party started.” “Absolutely,” they agree. “I thought you’d never (VERB).”

ahsclown

Tell Me About A Time You Shit Your Pants

Every one of us either was or knows one of those kids that can’t stop asking why. No matter how thoughtful and detailed the response to a question is the kid cannot stop asking why until whichever well-meaning, indulging adult tells him to STFU. I was that kid. I’m now that adult.

My tendency toward inquiry greatly aids in my being both a pretty good conversationalist and a decent writer. It helped me in dating and in awkward situations and in work as a freelance journalist. So when I recently found out that a lot of new bloggers turn to prompts to get them going all I could think was, “God, I’d love to write prompts for new bloggers, get them thinking and writing about things I want to know.”

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling "old skeleton dude from Dateline" didn't work then we'll never know.

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling “old skeleton dude from Dateline” didn’t work then we’ll never know.

Here is a list of writing prompts I’d love to see bloggers take on.

  1. Tell me about a time you shit your pants.
  2. Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
  3. Do you think everyone thinks they’re a good photographer?
  4. Who do you think would win in a fight- Kris Jenner or Omarosa?
  5. Do you have that friend you make plans to hang out with and then remember as soon as you see them that you kind of hate them or is it just me?

help

6. Do you find the idea of super quick engagements incredibly romantic, incredibly stupid or both?

7. Would you rather be able to go without food or without sleep forever?

8. Don’t you find it a little odd that almost everyone calls their significant other their “best friend” even couples with nothing in common and especially couples that will never talk to the other person again once they break up?

9. If you were adopted would you want to know?

10. Is it ever really okay to dance like no one’s watching?

adrienne

11. What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

If you end up using any of these blogs let me know. I’d love to read your response. Inquiring minds and all that.

Keep Your Germs, You Filthy Animal

There are lots of times I’d like to get sick and sit around in bed watching old Seinfeld episodes or playing this game where I listen to really sad songs on repeat and wondering how many times I can play it before I either text that old friend who I haven’t spoken to in years out of the blue or get into the bathtub holding a cement block. It’s a super fun game. Kind of like Jumanji but way more interactive!

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

The holidays, one of the only times where everyone gets off work anyway, is NOT one of those times. The holidays are for funneling egg nog, chain smoking, watching Christmas movies and ingratiating myself to old relatives on the off chance they die soon and have no other ideas for appropriate heirs.
Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy

Santy don’t visit the funeral homes, little buddy

But because everyone is saving their vacation time to blow on Christmas break everyone has come to work the past couple of weeks more sick than a priest with an annual passport to Disneyland. If I got a nickel for every time I said “bless you” or “god, that sounds awful” or “idlovetotryoneofyourhomemadetreatseventhoughiveseenyouinthebathroomandiknowyoudontwashyourhands” I would have myself a merry little Christmas to the tune of a PS4 and a house elf like Harry Potter had to do all my bidding.

Dobby is sorry he forgot to get the Marie Callender’s Ranch again, Amber Edwards. He knows how you hate the celery-laden mess that is Hidden Valley

At first I reacted the same way I always do when I’m around sick people, with that “I hardly ever get sick” swagger. But now I’m starting to get scared. By the time I get full-on congested, leaking, hacking sick these fools will be all better and I’ll be like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off before he finally grew a pair and realized being the third wheel to a really hot couple isn’t so bad if you take frequent bathroom breaks. Except Cameron was stupid rich and could do rad voice impressions. I am without those particular consolations to keep me warm at night when I’m freezing from a fever and everyone else is nestled all snug in their beds.

So fair readers, if you think coming to work sick any time -but especially this most sacred time of year- makes you a hero, think again. It makes you a dick. And it makes the rest of us kinda hate you and that? is that gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Jam? How's about I jam this up your ass?

Jam? How’s about I jam this up your ass?

5 People Who Have it Worse Than You

​​​​When I was young I was obsessed with a Yiddish children’s book called It Could Always Be Worse. It’s about a dude whose family drives him nuts, an old world Al Bundy if you will. At the end of his rope, he goes to consult with his local Rabbi, who is super wise and essentially keeps telling this dude to buy animals, which turn the condition in his little hut from bad to the ninth circle of Hades. Al goes back to the rabbi after he accumulates an animal a day for just over a week, now utterly shellshocked in a way he hasn’t been since Marcy crashed his NO MA’AM annual meeting in the birthday suit she borrowed from Honey Boo Boo’s mom. The rabbi is all, “okay now go home and release all of the animals I’ve had you bring inside over this, the worst week of your life.” Al lets the animals out and in comparison to how bad he had it when the animals were humping Peg’s leopard skin leggings all night and making all manner of noise during his John Wayne marathon he realizes his regular life is actually pretty goddamn great. Ah perspective.

So I present to you 5 People Who Have It Worse Than You:

1. This Girl, Who Took the Walk of Shame to New Heights

(As told by a Reddit user) My friend met a guy at a bar and went back to his place where she spent the night. In the morning the guy told her that he had to go to work, but that she could hang out as long as she wanted. He even made coffee for her. He told that when she left that she needn’t worry about locking the door because it would lock behind her. She hung around a while, ate breakfast, and used the bathroom. Unfortunately, she had plugged the toilet and the fellow had no plunger. She panicked. All she could think to do was find a plastic bag and fish out the poop to unplug the toilet. She does that and now has a bag of poop to dispose of. She cleans the bathroom and gets ready to leave, figuring she can throw the poop bag in the nearest dumpster. As she is leaving she stops to write a note, setting down the bag of poop temporarily. In the note she says that he’s a great guy and she’d like to see him again. She leaves her number and heads out the door. Only to remember seconds later that she left the bag of poop with the note.

2. The Friend of the This Chick, Who Was Only Trying to Help    

On Thanksgiving night Yaasmeen Castanada complained of a sore throat. Her bestie, hating to see her in pain, forks over an antibiotic left over from an illness last month. Because honestly? No one takes them the whole prescribed time. Yaasmeen is all, “hey thanks!” and swallows it only to end up in the hospital that night and discover that she has Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, an allergic reaction to antiobiotics that causes your body to BURN FROM THE INSIDE OUT. That’s one bestie who better pony up with a good gift this Christmas.

 yasmeen
giphy

3. The Girl Who Received This Pic In A Text Captioned “I Heart You, Bae”

weirdhair

4. This Guy’s Wife

You know that feeling you have when you’re buying beans and ramen all week so that you and your dude can make rent and then you see a McDonald’s bag stuffed into the garbage? Multiply it by about 100 and you’ll know how Henry Gribbohm’s wife feels. Apparently Henry went to the local carnival to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun, where contestants toss balls into a tub, something he had even practiced extensively beforehand and felt confident about. So confident that he brought his life savings of $2,600 as his ante. Come gametime though, Gribbohm shit the bed. Instead of a Kinect, which retails for about $250, Henry scored this rad stuffed animal.

 carnivalgame

5.Anyone who has Fulminant HPV but especially The Tree Man

A dude named Dede Kosawa from Indoneisa has three-foot, branchlike warts growing everyone on his body as a result of an HPV infection he got from a cut as a teenager. Though doctors have tried to cut them off, the warts grow back. Sometimes insects even live in his limbs. For some reason this grossed out his wife, who left him after his conditioned worsened from being able to perform in local carnivals to being hut-bound.

 
fulminant
 
If only he had properly cleaned that cut. Purell, y’all.
purell