When I was young I was obsessed with a Yiddish children’s book called It Could Always Be Worse. It’s about a dude whose family drives him nuts, an old world Al Bundy if you will. At the end of his rope, he goes to consult with his local Rabbi, who is super wise and essentially keeps telling this dude to buy animals, which turn the condition in his little hut from bad to the ninth circle of Hades. Al goes back to the rabbi after he accumulates an animal a day for just over a week, now utterly shellshocked in a way he hasn’t been since Marcy crashed his NO MA’AM annual meeting in the birthday suit she borrowed from Honey Boo Boo’s mom. The rabbi is all, “okay now go home and release all of the animals I’ve had you bring inside over this, the worst week of your life.” Al lets the animals out and in comparison to how bad he had it when the animals were humping Peg’s leopard skin leggings all night and making all manner of noise during his John Wayne marathon he realizes his regular life is actually pretty goddamn great. Ah perspective.
So I present to you 5 People Who Have It Worse Than You:
1. This Girl, Who Took the Walk of Shame to New Heights
(As told by a Reddit user) My friend met a guy at a bar and went back to his place where she spent the night. In the morning the guy told her that he had to go to work, but that she could hang out as long as she wanted. He even made coffee for her. He told that when she left that she needn’t worry about locking the door because it would lock behind her. She hung around a while, ate breakfast, and used the bathroom. Unfortunately, she had plugged the toilet and the fellow had no plunger. She panicked. All she could think to do was find a plastic bag and fish out the poop to unplug the toilet. She does that and now has a bag of poop to dispose of. She cleans the bathroom and gets ready to leave, figuring she can throw the poop bag in the nearest dumpster. As she is leaving she stops to write a note, setting down the bag of poop temporarily. In the note she says that he’s a great guy and she’d like to see him again. She leaves her number and heads out the door. Only to remember seconds later that she left the bag of poop with the note.
2. The Friend of the This Chick, Who Was Only Trying to Help
On Thanksgiving night Yaasmeen Castanada complained of a sore throat. Her bestie, hating to see her in pain, forks over an antibiotic left over from an illness last month. Because honestly? No one takes them the whole prescribed time. Yaasmeen is all, “hey thanks!” and swallows it only to end up in the hospital that night and discover that she has Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, an allergic reaction to antiobiotics that causes your body to BURN FROM THE INSIDE OUT. That’s one bestie who better pony up with a good gift this Christmas.
3. The Girl Who Received This Pic In A Text Captioned “I Heart You, Bae”
4. This Guy’s Wife
You know that feeling you have when you’re buying beans and ramen all week so that you and your dude can make rent and then you see a McDonald’s bag stuffed into the garbage? Multiply it by about 100 and you’ll know how Henry Gribbohm’s wife feels. Apparently Henry went to the local carnival to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun, where contestants toss balls into a tub, something he had even practiced extensively beforehand and felt confident about. So confident that he brought his life savings of $2,600 as his ante. Come gametime though, Gribbohm shit the bed. Instead of a Kinect, which retails for about $250, Henry scored this rad stuffed animal.
5.Anyone who has Fulminant HPV but especially The Tree Man
A dude named Dede Kosawa from Indoneisa has three-foot, branchlike warts growing everyone on his body as a result of an HPV infection he got from a cut as a teenager. Though doctors have tried to cut them off, the warts grow back. Sometimes insects even live in his limbs. For some reason this grossed out his wife, who left him after his conditioned worsened from being able to perform in local carnivals to being hut-bound.
If only he had properly cleaned that cut. Purell, y’all.