humor

Would You Bang a Homeless Guy for a Million Bucks?

I’ve changed a lot over the past day. And I don’t mean that I’m a better person or a worse person or that I’ve done gone and forgotten my roots or any of the ways people usually mean when they say they’ve changed. I mean literally. I’ve worn four outfits today and it’s been a pretty slow day on the changing front. I think my need to change frequently stems at least in part from my having attended Catholic school growing up and being made to wear a pretty dorky, uncomfortable uniform all day. I would bust out of that thing within two minutes of being home in favor of shorts and a tshirt. These days some of my outfit changes are functional, i.e for the gym or when I get home from work but most of the time it’s just because some little thing that worked for me an hour or two earlier just doesn’t anymore. This makes it super fun come laundry time because I feel like you should always err on the side of being clean.

But no matter how much I change, I’m still the same old Amber with the same heart, likes and extreme dislikes. I’ve had a long week of being penned up in my home office churning out pages for a pretty boring federal grant proposal and since I’ve had no outlet for my thoughts they’ve been marinating. So without further adieu I present Things That Make You Go Hmmm, That’s Really Goddamn Annoying:

1. People who buy old police cars and don’t repaint them and then drive behind me on the freeway.
2. This one has gotten waaayyyy less since answering machines went the way of the VCR but people who have creative voicemail messages. Messages with long songs, messages with multiple people talking in unison with all manner of cutesy retarded singsongy shit, messages with jokes that are not funny to anyone without a blue placard hanging from their rearview mirror.
3. The fact that seemingly everyone who got flowers on Valentine’s Day felt the need to post a picture of them on social media.
milania
4. The brand Saucony. Hate the look of their stupid shoes and really hate having no clue how to say the name. So I usually do that thing where you say it either really quickly or really quietly.
5. The GoFundMe trend. Who needs life insurance when your family can just make a plea to complete strangers to fund all manner of burial needs?
kyle
6. When people in front of me turn on their windshield wipers and it seems like it’s raining on just my car but that shitty amount that when you use the wipers they instantly make that aggravating “there’s no water to wipe, bitch” sound.
7. Drive thrus with more than one lane. They bring out the worst in me.
8. Chrissy Teigen’s face. Why couldn’t her features use a little more real estate on her face than just the very center?
chrissyteigen
9. How come on every reality show where people live together since Jersey Shore the people insist on saying they’re a family? You can’t develop the deep and lasting familial bonds woven by years of resentment, aggravation and dysfunction in six weeks, kids.
10. Unnecessary belts and scarves. Why do people insist on wearing belts with tight pants or over dresses they purposely buy too big and almost as bad why do people wear shorts and think a scarf is some logical complement to the outfit?
belt

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When The Lame Stands Tall

This past week Alexander has had nothing on me. It has been terrible, horrible, no good and very effed up. I went to a funeral, lost my job and had the kind of cramps that make me want to rip my uterus out like heroes do with the still-beating hearts of comedic bad guys in the movies. I had a few dramatic moments where I looked in the mirror with a sad face and asked myself what else could go wrong. And then I snapped out of it and started focusing on what was going right.

Because even that it was unquestionably a really awful week in what has been a motha trucker of a year, I am still surrounded by so much awesome. I bought tickets to see Billy Joel in San Francisco in September, a city he hasn’t played for 40 years and I cannot wait to drunkenly belt out Piano Man surrounded by rich people my dad’s age. I played six hours of video games in a row with my boyfriend, with him in our bedroom on an XBox while I was in the living room on a different XBox yelling out things like, “Is that a giant dick hanging out of that dude’s pants? Is it? Oh my god, it is. This is so rad.” I discovered a new butcher shop that sells everything from pork belly to pot roast for dogs and as a result secured my place as mother of the year (I’m hoping for a shirt but I’ll settle for a mug). In an hour I’m going to yoga with one of my best friends when at this time I would usually be sitting at my desk wondering what it is I did to make my boss, a miserable zit on the ass of life, hate me so much.

You see guys, we are not entitled to anything. Not a job, not good health, not even life. Everything good we have is a blessing and sometimes what seems like a blessing is a gut punch and vice versa. All we can really do is keep going, keep finding the humor in things and wait for the sun to come out from behind the clouds again to light our way. Here’s wishing you all a fantastic and mostly sunny day.

9 out of 10 Dentists Hate You

When you make the long death march into work the morning after a three-day weekend, all the gratitude you felt at having the extra day off seems to fade into a blur of misery, fatigue and dread. If you’re having a hard time finding the bright side this dreary Tuesday and just wanna feel shitty a bit longer, then this post is dedicated to you.

Universal Truths That Just Suck

  • The “close door” button on elevators never works. Ever. In fact, it seems to keep the doors open longer if it senses that person who kinda smells/makes painfully awkward small talk is about to get on.
  • The very same food that smells fantastic being cooked at home/in a restaurant smells like mayo left in the sun all day when someone in the office microwaves it to eat at their desk. Note that the same people who do this usually wear waaay too much perfume/cologne and indulge in annoying grooming at their desk. Is it too much to hope they trip over one of the toenails they leave all over the floor and sustain a life-ending blow to the head?
  • If you think an app looks really cool or be beneficial to your life, downloading it will require updating to a new operating system, one that you have no room for on your phone because you didn’t spring for the version of your phone that cost as much as a month’s vacation in Thailand. Your life will just have to go on sucking.

forget

  • Karma works slowly. So slowly that you wonder if it’s never gonna happen, like losing your virginity or fitting into jeans without stretch again. But when it happens, karma is a glorious thing. This picture of Farrah Abraham, the most entitled, whiny, selfish bag of skin ever, is proof. Unfortunately she was able to fix it. Fortunately, she still has the ugliest cry face ever.
I kinda wanna tie her hands behind her back and make her play tetherball.

I kinda wanna tie her hands behind her back and make her play tetherball.

  • Younger generations will always annoy you with their lingo but guess what? They don’t care what you think because 30 is the new dead. Can I get “please stop calling guys your age ‘kid’, nominating people for Woman Crush Wednesday/Man Crush Monday and writing THOT” on my tombstone and still have room for 5-20 words about how rad I was?
  • If you never use coupons and you see a good one for a place you’ve been meaning to try and save it, you’ve just sealed your fate: you will go to that place and that coupon will be home on the counter mocking you.
  • It will always take waaay longer than it should for pop culture phenomenon you refuse to be a part of to go the eff away. And as soon as it does, something new and equally shitty will pop up. 50 Shades of Grey and Frozen, I’m talking to you.

Feel better? If not then I only have this one last thing to try:

bruce

You Mad(Lib), Bro?

My childhood was during a much different time. We didn’t have cell phones—we kept in touch with illegible notes filled with boxes to be checked, slam books and walkie talkies. We didn’t have organic food—kids ate only Doritos and drank only Pepsi and no one had ADHD (they were just considered little assholes). We didn’t have iPad games but we did have Mad Libs and those? Are super rad and never run out of battery when you’re hiding in the back stall at work for hours.

mario

So today, for your pleasure I bring you a Mad Lib I wrote just for you.

If you’ve ever done a Mad Lib, you can skip the next paragraph:

There is only one rule to follow in Mad Libs: Fill in each of the blank spaces with the appropriate type of word. Each blank notes what kind of word goes there, such as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. Since the content of the Mad Lib itself is adult in nature, I’m just going to pretend no one needs parts of speech broken down for them. If you do, click here for a helpful guide: http://www.thearc.org/who-we-are/history/segal-account

This particular mad lib has an option for you to do it on your own so if you want to do that then just make a list of the corresponding words you choose for the following prompts and then plug them into the body. Have fun!

  1. Adjective
  2. Curse word
  3. Things at a circus
  4. Name of friend/relative
  5. Article of clothing
  6. Adjective
  7. Body part
  8. Adjective
  9. Noun
  10. Verb
  11. Song title
  12. Body part
  13. Adjective
  14. Number above 1
  15. Body part plural
  16. Animal plural
  17. Name of your favorite song
  18. STD
  19. Super power
  20. Farm animal
  21. Verb
  22. Name of 80s sitcom
  23. Sexual favor
  24. Verb

Ma Petite’s Big Adventure

The (ADJECTIVE) day is finally here—it’s your (CURSE WORD+ty/ing if necessary) birthday. Besides the joy of being a year older and considerably more decrepit, today you have big plans. You’re going to the Freak Show, just like in American Horror Story but with 80% less (THINGS AT A CIRCUS).

You wolf down some breakfast, pick up (NAME OF FRIEND/RELATIVE) and hop in the car. Arriving at the Freak Show, you straighten your (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING) and head in. Walking in you can’t believe your (ADJECTIVE) (BODY PART).

Everywhere you look there are freaks. You walk past the (ADJECTIVE) woman, two midgets swallowing (NOUN)s and a Russian who can (VERB) in every position. Locked in a cage is an angry dwarf dancing to (SONG TITLE) while shaking the (BODY PART) it took his mama nine months to make.

You make your way past crowds to the main stage and can’t believe what you see- a (ADJECTIVE) man with (NUMBER ABOVE 1) (BODY PART PLURAL) eating live (ANIMAL PLURAL). You are so shocked that you yell (NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE SONG). You have to get out of here before you go crazy or catch (STD).

Dodging past a man balancing on stilts, a small child with the ability to (SUPER POWER ie Fly, Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound) and a pile of shit on the ground from the world’s biggest (FARM ANIMAL) you reach the tent’s exit. “We have to get out of here!” you yell to your companion who (VERB)s to keep up with you.

Finally safe in your car you sigh. “What the hell was all that?” you ask. “I think it’s safe to say that was (NAME OF 80s SITCOM). “Yeah,” you agree. Now whaddya say we go get some birthday (SEXUAL FAVORS) and get this party started.” “Absolutely,” they agree. “I thought you’d never (VERB).”

ahsclown

Tell Me About A Time You Shit Your Pants

Every one of us either was or knows one of those kids that can’t stop asking why. No matter how thoughtful and detailed the response to a question is the kid cannot stop asking why until whichever well-meaning, indulging adult tells him to STFU. I was that kid. I’m now that adult.

My tendency toward inquiry greatly aids in my being both a pretty good conversationalist and a decent writer. It helped me in dating and in awkward situations and in work as a freelance journalist. So when I recently found out that a lot of new bloggers turn to prompts to get them going all I could think was, “God, I’d love to write prompts for new bloggers, get them thinking and writing about things I want to know.”

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling "old skeleton dude from Dateline" didn't work then we'll never know.

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling “old skeleton dude from Dateline” didn’t work then we’ll never know.

Here is a list of writing prompts I’d love to see bloggers take on.

  1. Tell me about a time you shit your pants.
  2. Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
  3. Do you think everyone thinks they’re a good photographer?
  4. Who do you think would win in a fight- Kris Jenner or Omarosa?
  5. Do you have that friend you make plans to hang out with and then remember as soon as you see them that you kind of hate them or is it just me?

help

6. Do you find the idea of super quick engagements incredibly romantic, incredibly stupid or both?

7. Would you rather be able to go without food or without sleep forever?

8. Don’t you find it a little odd that almost everyone calls their significant other their “best friend” even couples with nothing in common and especially couples that will never talk to the other person again once they break up?

9. If you were adopted would you want to know?

10. Is it ever really okay to dance like no one’s watching?

adrienne

11. What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

If you end up using any of these blogs let me know. I’d love to read your response. Inquiring minds and all that.

What’s Wrong With the Old You?

With all the “new year, new me” propaganda we are besieged with this time of year, I am reminded of something I wrote awhile ago that I think we all need to hear every now and then.

It is easy to forget it sometimes so as a reminder: You are not your job. You are not numbers on a scale. You are not defined by a paycheck, a neighborhood, a last name, or a degree. You are about more than your worst day or any days where you lost the battle against sobriety or faith or karma. You get to choose who you are every day. When you can, choose to be happy and choose to help people in need. That is your legacy.

raindance

Hey Centipede, You Wanna Go to the Bar?

Happy New Year! Let’s Enjoy the Time of Year When Drive Thru Lines Are Shortest!!

chickennugs

A friend of mine recently told me about a phenomenon of his creation: the holiday hangover. When the holidays are over but their negative effects linger. Bills, having to readjust your sleep schedule, weight gain, and having to go see that big group of aholes who always let you down again. Not family. The other group: coworkers. Before I let go of vacation completely I’m going to honor it here.

Here is a breakdown of my glorious Christmas break by the numbers: 

People with the flu determined to infect me: 7

Times I got sick: 0. Thank you, Zicam nasal spray. If you believe nothing I say ever again believe this. Zicam is a miracle. It’s like Jesus Christ rolled in Wonder Bread slathered with Nutella.

New recipes prepared: 4 (latkes, macaroni & cheese balls, white clam sauce, pepperonata sauce) 

Pounds Gained: 2. See above.

Average Wakeup Time: 7 am with one very rad 9:30 am

Board Games Played: 3 (Pictionary, electronic taboo, bejeweled) Turns out Bejeweled works best as an electronic game because their algorithms ensure you have at least one match at all times. Not sure in the manual version. I got pretty defensive trying to explain to my boyfriend that it is, in fact, fun when I play it as an app.

Drinking Games Played: 1 (King’s Cup) Drinking the King’s Cup is waaaay less gross when people aren’t pouring beer and tequila up in there. The drink was actually kinda good despite my protests to the contrary.

New Movies Watched: 2 (The Interview, The Gambler with Mark Wahlberg)

New-To-Me Movies Watched: 6 (The Skeleton Twins, Aliens, Blue Jasmine, That Awkward Moment, Nebraska, The Human Centipede, Zathura)

Okay let’s stop here for a second. The Human Centipede is a spectacle to behold. It was weird, it was funny, it was the most nauseating thing I have ever seen and I have seen both Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Two Girls, One Cup. In case you’ve never seen it, here’s the gist: there’s a crazy, anti-social German doctor who earned accolades for separating Siamese twins but all that work got him to wondering a few things. 1) Would joining things together be as fulfilling as separating them and 2) Do those idiots that sit on balance balls at work ever have sore backs?

Because no one will ever know the answer to number two, the good doctor decides to tackle number one. He experiments first with dogs but then he quickly moves on to humans because really, same difference. So just as he starts amassing people to test his theory on, two American porn stars turned tourists show up at his door at night in the pouring rain asking to use the phone. Yeah I know what you’re thinking:

You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs.

But unfortunately for them, they were crashing an even freakier party. So the dude is all “come on in” so that he can promptly roofie and subdue them while he goes on out to get another person of compatible size for his project. He comes back with a very petite and yet surly Japanese man who keeps shouting the same thing:

The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner

The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner!!!

But the doc is all whatevs and proceeds to sew them together, butt-to-mouth. He gives the mouthiest chick the middle position, which is essentially just a human tube for feces to flow through and makes the sassy Japanese guy the front for whatever reason. Maybe he likes a challenge. After the centipede is completed, Dr. Feel Good wants his pet to do some really basic tricks for him like fetch and eat so much that you evacuate your bowels into the human mouth sewn to your anus.

hc2

The doctor is pleased but also already looking ahead to how he can grow the size of his pet when he runs into some problems. What, you thought I’d spoil the whole thing for you?

The weird thing is that I really thought the first one was gross but even the description of part two is way way worse. I don’t know if I can handle it. But if I’m able to, y’all are definitely going to be treated to an extremely descriptive review!!

Anyway, where were we….

Invention Ideas: 3

Viable Invention Ideas: 0

Times I Wore My Friends Shoes to the Bar Thinking They Were Mine and That My Feet had Shrunk: 1. Thankfully. In my defense how many people have both giant feet and 4-inch patent leather heels? Two apparently.

Farewell 2014, Christmas Break and all the social media friends I axed in the only kind of cleanse I’m up for after imagining a surly porn star glued to my backside. Here’s to the new year, the old me and to never getting stranded on German backroads.