how to get out of a bad mood

Tell Me About A Time You Shit Your Pants

Every one of us either was or knows one of those kids that can’t stop asking why. No matter how thoughtful and detailed the response to a question is the kid cannot stop asking why until whichever well-meaning, indulging adult tells him to STFU. I was that kid. I’m now that adult.

My tendency toward inquiry greatly aids in my being both a pretty good conversationalist and a decent writer. It helped me in dating and in awkward situations and in work as a freelance journalist. So when I recently found out that a lot of new bloggers turn to prompts to get them going all I could think was, “God, I’d love to write prompts for new bloggers, get them thinking and writing about things I want to know.”

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling "old skeleton dude from Dateline" didn't work then we'll never know.

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling “old skeleton dude from Dateline” didn’t work then we’ll never know.

Here is a list of writing prompts I’d love to see bloggers take on.

  1. Tell me about a time you shit your pants.
  2. Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
  3. Do you think everyone thinks they’re a good photographer?
  4. Who do you think would win in a fight- Kris Jenner or Omarosa?
  5. Do you have that friend you make plans to hang out with and then remember as soon as you see them that you kind of hate them or is it just me?

help

6. Do you find the idea of super quick engagements incredibly romantic, incredibly stupid or both?

7. Would you rather be able to go without food or without sleep forever?

8. Don’t you find it a little odd that almost everyone calls their significant other their “best friend” even couples with nothing in common and especially couples that will never talk to the other person again once they break up?

9. If you were adopted would you want to know?

10. Is it ever really okay to dance like no one’s watching?

adrienne

11. What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

If you end up using any of these blogs let me know. I’d love to read your response. Inquiring minds and all that.

Advertisements

The Good, The Bad and The Fugly

You know that feeling you get Sunday night when you realize the fun of the weekend is about to come to an end? After a long winter’s break I’m feeling that times about a thousand. I.do.not.want.to.go.back.on.Monday. It’s even harder considering I just started this job in December and worked for just three weeks before getting two and a half weeks off. But because this is the Unentitlement Project, I am trying to push that aside by doing some blessing counting.

Here are some things I’m grateful for:

1. I got everything I wanted for Christmas. And a lot of rad things I didn’t even know I wanted. I have gift cards to places I actually go, a stack of books I’m excited to read, new video games and board games I can’t wait to play and a hammock. A goddamn hammock y’all. The only thing better would be a katana and a world where it’s cool to just lop off the heads of folks you don’t like.

And that's for taking my parking space, bitch.

And that’s for taking my parking space, bitch.

2. Both Shameless and Girls are coming back next week.

3. Those pay-by-the-minute massage chairs. Love them with as much fervor as I hate anyone who just sits in those chairs without using them while people are waiting to use them. Fool, go get yourself a bench.

4. The fact that I don’t have to worry about writing “2014” on my checks because nobody writes checks anymore. Nobody who isn’t in front of me at the grocery store anyway.

5. This picture:

I'd like to pull Marie Rodin up by her bootstraps

I’d like to pull Marie Rodin up by her bootstraps

And here are some things that suck:

1. People all of a sudden saying “I’m feeling some kind of way” about everything. This bugs me as much as “it is what it is” did and even more than people inserting “literally” before literally everything. Because why bother saying you are feeling any way if you refuse to be anything more than completely vague?

2. When channels and satellite providers go to war and your shows become one big banner about how the other side is being so unfair and you wish you weren’t so invested in this bullshit because otherwise you’d show them both what’s up and stop watching but that just ain’t gonna happen so I guess I’ll just watch more ads on AMC/FX/etc

3. When even that egg nog you bought after Christmas is about to expire.

Keep Your Germs, You Filthy Animal

There are lots of times I’d like to get sick and sit around in bed watching old Seinfeld episodes or playing this game where I listen to really sad songs on repeat and wondering how many times I can play it before I either text that old friend who I haven’t spoken to in years out of the blue or get into the bathtub holding a cement block. It’s a super fun game. Kind of like Jumanji but way more interactive!

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

The holidays, one of the only times where everyone gets off work anyway, is NOT one of those times. The holidays are for funneling egg nog, chain smoking, watching Christmas movies and ingratiating myself to old relatives on the off chance they die soon and have no other ideas for appropriate heirs.
Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy

Santy don’t visit the funeral homes, little buddy

But because everyone is saving their vacation time to blow on Christmas break everyone has come to work the past couple of weeks more sick than a priest with an annual passport to Disneyland. If I got a nickel for every time I said “bless you” or “god, that sounds awful” or “idlovetotryoneofyourhomemadetreatseventhoughiveseenyouinthebathroomandiknowyoudontwashyourhands” I would have myself a merry little Christmas to the tune of a PS4 and a house elf like Harry Potter had to do all my bidding.

Dobby is sorry he forgot to get the Marie Callender’s Ranch again, Amber Edwards. He knows how you hate the celery-laden mess that is Hidden Valley

At first I reacted the same way I always do when I’m around sick people, with that “I hardly ever get sick” swagger. But now I’m starting to get scared. By the time I get full-on congested, leaking, hacking sick these fools will be all better and I’ll be like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off before he finally grew a pair and realized being the third wheel to a really hot couple isn’t so bad if you take frequent bathroom breaks. Except Cameron was stupid rich and could do rad voice impressions. I am without those particular consolations to keep me warm at night when I’m freezing from a fever and everyone else is nestled all snug in their beds.

So fair readers, if you think coming to work sick any time -but especially this most sacred time of year- makes you a hero, think again. It makes you a dick. And it makes the rest of us kinda hate you and that? is that gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Jam? How's about I jam this up your ass?

Jam? How’s about I jam this up your ass?

Wanna Have Makeup Text?

If I was comparing girls to cars in terms of maintenance I’d be that old beater that keeps ticking as long as you bring it into the shop every so often and run it through even the gas station car wash once in awhile. I can be ready in five minutes if need be and look just fine.

This is me normally.

Ready in five minutes.

Ready in five minutes.

In fact when I do wear makeup I hardly recognize myself.
makeup

That makeup was professionally done and took the girl 30 minutes, you guys. All this to say that the appeal of permanent makeup is not lost on me. But it just seems like so many things could go wrong. For your visual entertainment here are reasons 1 through 3 why permanent makeup is a horrible idea.

1. The Girl Who Shoulda Learned About Bad Decisions From Her Neck Tat

Maybe if I just grow out my bangs?

Maybe if I just grow out my bangs?

2. The Girl Who Couldn’t Be Any More Surprised If She Woke Up Tomorrow With Her Head Sewn to the Carpet
myspace

3. The Girl Whose Sad Eyes Say It All
wasitsomethingisaid

So yeah I’m gonna stick to bad decisions with a shortish shelf life if it’s all the same to you. Unless they come out with that next-level Face Off type shit and I can somehow drug someone really attractive long enough to steal their face.

If I were to let you read my blog would you be grateful?

If I were to let you read my blog would you be grateful?

A Few of My Favorite Things

You know that moment in your day when one bad thing can become magnified into everything that is wrong with your life and create a tsunami of frustration/sadness/aggravation? That traffic jam, that broken grocery bag handle, that missing cup of beloved sweet n sour sauce. Nearly every day I have moments like this, moments where I’m outraged that the good day I feel entitled to becomes marred. It is that entitlement that takes me away from being able to appreciate everything in my life going right big and small, that stops me from noticing that I have a job, a home, a boyfriend and the most hilarious, supportive and entertaining friends and family a girl could want. It stops me from being happy that I have a nice car to get stuck in traffic in, money to buy the groceries now rolling down the gd driveway and…that’s where I have to stop. There is nothing redeemable about chicken nuggets without sweet n sour. They’re necessary. Like silpats to baking or pore minimizer to Bruce Jenner.

You're just jealous because other than the dick I have a better body than you. (He's not wrong)

You’re just jealous because other than the dick I have a better body than you. (He’s not wrong)

Whenever I have these thoughts I start working on reversing my negativity by counting my blessings and internally I am always able to bring myself around. Still it has occurred to me that it would be rad if there was a place I could go to that would expedite the frown turning upside down, an external source for busting up entitltement. Since I couldn’t find such a place I decided to create it. I present to you The Unentitlement Project. Any time you’re feeling like a nugget without its sauce, come on over.

Since it’s day one, I’m not going to go too deep. I’m just going to write a quick poem to the tune of My Favorite Things:

Meatballs on pasta and caramel on ice cream

Banging Mark Wahlberg in a really long dream

My sausage fingers all covered in rings

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Rocky Balboa pounding Apollo

Watching Real Housewives because I am shallow

Ignoring the calls of creepers that cling

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Dogs wearing sweaters and cops without radar

Dancing with men who set off my gaydar

A bucket of blue cheese and all of the wings

These are a few of my favorite things

 

When the boss lurks

When the cramps hurt

When I’m as broke as a bum

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel soooo glum

fdw7i[1]