funny blog

Long Time, No Guilt Trip

Remember that time I didn’t blog for awhile and then I just started a new blog without any explanations? Me too!

I firmly believe people are both the best and the worst thing about life. Out of nowhere a person can make your day by holding the door open for you, buying you a handful of diamonds just because, or giving you a compliment on how good you’re looking lately. But people can also make you wish you lived in the middle of the forest alone. Completely alone without any axe-wielding killers or neighbors reporting you for watering your lawn during a drought like there’s a reward on the line for them or any animals at all, even birds because it’s all fun and games until a bird is flying all over your house shitting on your quaint straw bed and in your cauldron full of stew or macaroni and cheese depending on what your electricity situation is out in BFE.

Here are just a few of the annoying things people do that should result in their being voted off the island of earth:

1. Being really emphatic about defending pit bulls. Like it’s their job to prove pit bulls are more cuddly than Care Bears. I’m sure there are some really nice, gentle pit bulls. But there are also some nice murderers. Like that well-educated, elderly fellow from Silence of the Lambs.

pitbullstare

Pit Bull Stare

2. The people at Websters who legitimize retarded words by putting them in the dictionary. Like romantical. This is the real reason shit is going to hell in a cheaply woven hand basket. If they put bae in there I am going to move to Canada or maybe just threaten to move there like all those sometime patriots on Facebook after anything newsworthy and political happens. Bye, Felicia!

3. Speaking of Facebook, what is up with those people who post only half a miserable thought like “people sure know how to ruin a good day”? If you’re gonna start to say something, let your balls drop all the way and explain what was done to you. The venting will be cathartic for your soul to say nothing of what the information will do to my amusement meter. Otherwise, stop treading on my big, polluted island.

My Amusement Meter Goes to 11

My Amusement Meter Goes to 11

4. The person who invented iced tea. Can it just go away? It is less a low-cost, semi-healthy beverage and more like a glass of strained dirt mixed with the sink water after I do dishes. What’s that old expression- when life gives you a yard full of dirt and some ice cubes, make iced tea? Yeah, didn’t think so- lemonade is superior in every way.

5. Fools that go to the drive thru in a fast food place and have to open their doors to order. Maybe, just maybe your discretionary cash should go toward a more practical application.

milania

6. People who take small talk a little too far until just can’t hold my fake smile anymore. Especially at work when I have nowhere to be and can’t get away and it’s literally my job to be nice to you. Don’t make me use my cell phone and make a fake call to my work phone.

whoopie

7. That neighbor I have who is all about that bass that rattles every window in my house, my soul and my teeth. And not at all about common courtesy or noise ordinances or having a face free of terrifying tattoos.

8. Anyone who refers to wearing a certain color lipstick as “having a red/pink/fat lip,” anyone who thinks “you got this” is the ultimate in motivating speeches, anyone who relishes telling someone else they’re “naughty” or “trouble” and anyone who means “I enjoyed that” but instead says “that didn’t suck.”

9. Older people who use expressions the kids use especially when said expressions have been over for a decadeish. My dad used to relish calling himself the “mac daddy” in front of large groups of my friends. That was the worst offense I had seen until I happened upon a commercial for Real Housewives of New York City and saw this:

getoff

Imagine how many middle aged women are now saying this and how many 30ish black guys are looking at them thinking, “don’t flatter yourself, bae.”

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