I’ve changed a lot over the past day. And I don’t mean that I’m a better person or a worse person or that I’ve done gone and forgotten my roots or any of the ways people usually mean when they say they’ve changed. I mean literally. I’ve worn four outfits today and it’s been a pretty slow day on the changing front. I think my need to change frequently stems at least in part from my having attended Catholic school growing up and being made to wear a pretty dorky, uncomfortable uniform all day. I would bust out of that thing within two minutes of being home in favor of shorts and a tshirt. These days some of my outfit changes are functional, i.e for the gym or when I get home from work but most of the time it’s just because some little thing that worked for me an hour or two earlier just doesn’t anymore. This makes it super fun come laundry time because I feel like you should always err on the side of being clean.
But no matter how much I change, I’m still the same old Amber with the same heart, likes and extreme dislikes. I’ve had a long week of being penned up in my home office churning out pages for a pretty boring federal grant proposal and since I’ve had no outlet for my thoughts they’ve been marinating. So without further adieu I present Things That Make You Go Hmmm, That’s Really Goddamn Annoying:
1. People who buy old police cars and don’t repaint them and then drive behind me on the freeway.
2. This one has gotten waaayyyy less since answering machines went the way of the VCR but people who have creative voicemail messages. Messages with long songs, messages with multiple people talking in unison with all manner of cutesy retarded singsongy shit, messages with jokes that are not funny to anyone without a blue placard hanging from their rearview mirror.
3. The fact that seemingly everyone who got flowers on Valentine’s Day felt the need to post a picture of them on social media.
4. The brand Saucony. Hate the look of their stupid shoes and really hate having no clue how to say the name. So I usually do that thing where you say it either really quickly or really quietly.
5. The GoFundMe trend. Who needs life insurance when your family can just make a plea to complete strangers to fund all manner of burial needs?
6. When people in front of me turn on their windshield wipers and it seems like it’s raining on just my car but that shitty amount that when you use the wipers they instantly make that aggravating “there’s no water to wipe, bitch” sound.
7. Drive thrus with more than one lane. They bring out the worst in me.
8. Chrissy Teigen’s face. Why couldn’t her features use a little more real estate on her face than just the very center?
9. How come on every reality show where people live together since Jersey Shore the people insist on saying they’re a family? You can’t develop the deep and lasting familial bonds woven by years of resentment, aggravation and dysfunction in six weeks, kids.
10. Unnecessary belts and scarves. Why do people insist on wearing belts with tight pants or over dresses they purposely buy too big and almost as bad why do people wear shorts and think a scarf is some logical complement to the outfit?