blogging

9 out of 10 Dentists Hate You

When you make the long death march into work the morning after a three-day weekend, all the gratitude you felt at having the extra day off seems to fade into a blur of misery, fatigue and dread. If you’re having a hard time finding the bright side this dreary Tuesday and just wanna feel shitty a bit longer, then this post is dedicated to you.

Universal Truths That Just Suck

  • The “close door” button on elevators never works. Ever. In fact, it seems to keep the doors open longer if it senses that person who kinda smells/makes painfully awkward small talk is about to get on.
  • The very same food that smells fantastic being cooked at home/in a restaurant smells like mayo left in the sun all day when someone in the office microwaves it to eat at their desk. Note that the same people who do this usually wear waaay too much perfume/cologne and indulge in annoying grooming at their desk. Is it too much to hope they trip over one of the toenails they leave all over the floor and sustain a life-ending blow to the head?
  • If you think an app looks really cool or be beneficial to your life, downloading it will require updating to a new operating system, one that you have no room for on your phone because you didn’t spring for the version of your phone that cost as much as a month’s vacation in Thailand. Your life will just have to go on sucking.

forget

  • Karma works slowly. So slowly that you wonder if it’s never gonna happen, like losing your virginity or fitting into jeans without stretch again. But when it happens, karma is a glorious thing. This picture of Farrah Abraham, the most entitled, whiny, selfish bag of skin ever, is proof. Unfortunately she was able to fix it. Fortunately, she still has the ugliest cry face ever.
I kinda wanna tie her hands behind her back and make her play tetherball.

I kinda wanna tie her hands behind her back and make her play tetherball.

  • Younger generations will always annoy you with their lingo but guess what? They don’t care what you think because 30 is the new dead. Can I get “please stop calling guys your age ‘kid’, nominating people for Woman Crush Wednesday/Man Crush Monday and writing THOT” on my tombstone and still have room for 5-20 words about how rad I was?
  • If you never use coupons and you see a good one for a place you’ve been meaning to try and save it, you’ve just sealed your fate: you will go to that place and that coupon will be home on the counter mocking you.
  • It will always take waaay longer than it should for pop culture phenomenon you refuse to be a part of to go the eff away. And as soon as it does, something new and equally shitty will pop up. 50 Shades of Grey and Frozen, I’m talking to you.

Feel better? If not then I only have this one last thing to try:

bruce

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You Mad(Lib), Bro?

My childhood was during a much different time. We didn’t have cell phones—we kept in touch with illegible notes filled with boxes to be checked, slam books and walkie talkies. We didn’t have organic food—kids ate only Doritos and drank only Pepsi and no one had ADHD (they were just considered little assholes). We didn’t have iPad games but we did have Mad Libs and those? Are super rad and never run out of battery when you’re hiding in the back stall at work for hours.

mario

So today, for your pleasure I bring you a Mad Lib I wrote just for you.

If you’ve ever done a Mad Lib, you can skip the next paragraph:

There is only one rule to follow in Mad Libs: Fill in each of the blank spaces with the appropriate type of word. Each blank notes what kind of word goes there, such as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. Since the content of the Mad Lib itself is adult in nature, I’m just going to pretend no one needs parts of speech broken down for them. If you do, click here for a helpful guide: http://www.thearc.org/who-we-are/history/segal-account

This particular mad lib has an option for you to do it on your own so if you want to do that then just make a list of the corresponding words you choose for the following prompts and then plug them into the body. Have fun!

  1. Adjective
  2. Curse word
  3. Things at a circus
  4. Name of friend/relative
  5. Article of clothing
  6. Adjective
  7. Body part
  8. Adjective
  9. Noun
  10. Verb
  11. Song title
  12. Body part
  13. Adjective
  14. Number above 1
  15. Body part plural
  16. Animal plural
  17. Name of your favorite song
  18. STD
  19. Super power
  20. Farm animal
  21. Verb
  22. Name of 80s sitcom
  23. Sexual favor
  24. Verb

Ma Petite’s Big Adventure

The (ADJECTIVE) day is finally here—it’s your (CURSE WORD+ty/ing if necessary) birthday. Besides the joy of being a year older and considerably more decrepit, today you have big plans. You’re going to the Freak Show, just like in American Horror Story but with 80% less (THINGS AT A CIRCUS).

You wolf down some breakfast, pick up (NAME OF FRIEND/RELATIVE) and hop in the car. Arriving at the Freak Show, you straighten your (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING) and head in. Walking in you can’t believe your (ADJECTIVE) (BODY PART).

Everywhere you look there are freaks. You walk past the (ADJECTIVE) woman, two midgets swallowing (NOUN)s and a Russian who can (VERB) in every position. Locked in a cage is an angry dwarf dancing to (SONG TITLE) while shaking the (BODY PART) it took his mama nine months to make.

You make your way past crowds to the main stage and can’t believe what you see- a (ADJECTIVE) man with (NUMBER ABOVE 1) (BODY PART PLURAL) eating live (ANIMAL PLURAL). You are so shocked that you yell (NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE SONG). You have to get out of here before you go crazy or catch (STD).

Dodging past a man balancing on stilts, a small child with the ability to (SUPER POWER ie Fly, Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound) and a pile of shit on the ground from the world’s biggest (FARM ANIMAL) you reach the tent’s exit. “We have to get out of here!” you yell to your companion who (VERB)s to keep up with you.

Finally safe in your car you sigh. “What the hell was all that?” you ask. “I think it’s safe to say that was (NAME OF 80s SITCOM). “Yeah,” you agree. Now whaddya say we go get some birthday (SEXUAL FAVORS) and get this party started.” “Absolutely,” they agree. “I thought you’d never (VERB).”

ahsclown

Tell Me About A Time You Shit Your Pants

Every one of us either was or knows one of those kids that can’t stop asking why. No matter how thoughtful and detailed the response to a question is the kid cannot stop asking why until whichever well-meaning, indulging adult tells him to STFU. I was that kid. I’m now that adult.

My tendency toward inquiry greatly aids in my being both a pretty good conversationalist and a decent writer. It helped me in dating and in awkward situations and in work as a freelance journalist. So when I recently found out that a lot of new bloggers turn to prompts to get them going all I could think was, “God, I’d love to write prompts for new bloggers, get them thinking and writing about things I want to know.”

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling "old skeleton dude from Dateline" didn't work then we'll never know.

Imagine this dude from Dateline is interviewing you. I tried to find out his name but since Googling “old skeleton dude from Dateline” didn’t work then we’ll never know.

Here is a list of writing prompts I’d love to see bloggers take on.

  1. Tell me about a time you shit your pants.
  2. Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
  3. Do you think everyone thinks they’re a good photographer?
  4. Who do you think would win in a fight- Kris Jenner or Omarosa?
  5. Do you have that friend you make plans to hang out with and then remember as soon as you see them that you kind of hate them or is it just me?

help

6. Do you find the idea of super quick engagements incredibly romantic, incredibly stupid or both?

7. Would you rather be able to go without food or without sleep forever?

8. Don’t you find it a little odd that almost everyone calls their significant other their “best friend” even couples with nothing in common and especially couples that will never talk to the other person again once they break up?

9. If you were adopted would you want to know?

10. Is it ever really okay to dance like no one’s watching?

adrienne

11. What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?

If you end up using any of these blogs let me know. I’d love to read your response. Inquiring minds and all that.