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Keep Your Germs, You Filthy Animal

There are lots of times I’d like to get sick and sit around in bed watching old Seinfeld episodes or playing this game where I listen to really sad songs on repeat and wondering how many times I can play it before I either text that old friend who I haven’t spoken to in years out of the blue or get into the bathtub holding a cement block. It’s a super fun game. Kind of like Jumanji but way more interactive!

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

The holidays, one of the only times where everyone gets off work anyway, is NOT one of those times. The holidays are for funneling egg nog, chain smoking, watching Christmas movies and ingratiating myself to old relatives on the off chance they die soon and have no other ideas for appropriate heirs.
Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy

Santy don’t visit the funeral homes, little buddy

But because everyone is saving their vacation time to blow on Christmas break everyone has come to work the past couple of weeks more sick than a priest with an annual passport to Disneyland. If I got a nickel for every time I said “bless you” or “god, that sounds awful” or “idlovetotryoneofyourhomemadetreatseventhoughiveseenyouinthebathroomandiknowyoudontwashyourhands” I would have myself a merry little Christmas to the tune of a PS4 and a house elf like Harry Potter had to do all my bidding.

Dobby is sorry he forgot to get the Marie Callender’s Ranch again, Amber Edwards. He knows how you hate the celery-laden mess that is Hidden Valley

At first I reacted the same way I always do when I’m around sick people, with that “I hardly ever get sick” swagger. But now I’m starting to get scared. By the time I get full-on congested, leaking, hacking sick these fools will be all better and I’ll be like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off before he finally grew a pair and realized being the third wheel to a really hot couple isn’t so bad if you take frequent bathroom breaks. Except Cameron was stupid rich and could do rad voice impressions. I am without those particular consolations to keep me warm at night when I’m freezing from a fever and everyone else is nestled all snug in their beds.

So fair readers, if you think coming to work sick any time -but especially this most sacred time of year- makes you a hero, think again. It makes you a dick. And it makes the rest of us kinda hate you and that? is that gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Jam? How's about I jam this up your ass?

Jam? How’s about I jam this up your ass?

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Wanna Have Makeup Text?

If I was comparing girls to cars in terms of maintenance I’d be that old beater that keeps ticking as long as you bring it into the shop every so often and run it through even the gas station car wash once in awhile. I can be ready in five minutes if need be and look just fine.

This is me normally.

Ready in five minutes.

Ready in five minutes.

In fact when I do wear makeup I hardly recognize myself.
makeup

That makeup was professionally done and took the girl 30 minutes, you guys. All this to say that the appeal of permanent makeup is not lost on me. But it just seems like so many things could go wrong. For your visual entertainment here are reasons 1 through 3 why permanent makeup is a horrible idea.

1. The Girl Who Shoulda Learned About Bad Decisions From Her Neck Tat

Maybe if I just grow out my bangs?

Maybe if I just grow out my bangs?

2. The Girl Who Couldn’t Be Any More Surprised If She Woke Up Tomorrow With Her Head Sewn to the Carpet
myspace

3. The Girl Whose Sad Eyes Say It All
wasitsomethingisaid

So yeah I’m gonna stick to bad decisions with a shortish shelf life if it’s all the same to you. Unless they come out with that next-level Face Off type shit and I can somehow drug someone really attractive long enough to steal their face.

If I were to let you read my blog would you be grateful?

If I were to let you read my blog would you be grateful?