awful date stories

You Mad(Lib), Bro?

My childhood was during a much different time. We didn’t have cell phones—we kept in touch with illegible notes filled with boxes to be checked, slam books and walkie talkies. We didn’t have organic food—kids ate only Doritos and drank only Pepsi and no one had ADHD (they were just considered little assholes). We didn’t have iPad games but we did have Mad Libs and those? Are super rad and never run out of battery when you’re hiding in the back stall at work for hours.

mario

So today, for your pleasure I bring you a Mad Lib I wrote just for you.

If you’ve ever done a Mad Lib, you can skip the next paragraph:

There is only one rule to follow in Mad Libs: Fill in each of the blank spaces with the appropriate type of word. Each blank notes what kind of word goes there, such as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. Since the content of the Mad Lib itself is adult in nature, I’m just going to pretend no one needs parts of speech broken down for them. If you do, click here for a helpful guide: http://www.thearc.org/who-we-are/history/segal-account

This particular mad lib has an option for you to do it on your own so if you want to do that then just make a list of the corresponding words you choose for the following prompts and then plug them into the body. Have fun!

  1. Adjective
  2. Curse word
  3. Things at a circus
  4. Name of friend/relative
  5. Article of clothing
  6. Adjective
  7. Body part
  8. Adjective
  9. Noun
  10. Verb
  11. Song title
  12. Body part
  13. Adjective
  14. Number above 1
  15. Body part plural
  16. Animal plural
  17. Name of your favorite song
  18. STD
  19. Super power
  20. Farm animal
  21. Verb
  22. Name of 80s sitcom
  23. Sexual favor
  24. Verb

Ma Petite’s Big Adventure

The (ADJECTIVE) day is finally here—it’s your (CURSE WORD+ty/ing if necessary) birthday. Besides the joy of being a year older and considerably more decrepit, today you have big plans. You’re going to the Freak Show, just like in American Horror Story but with 80% less (THINGS AT A CIRCUS).

You wolf down some breakfast, pick up (NAME OF FRIEND/RELATIVE) and hop in the car. Arriving at the Freak Show, you straighten your (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING) and head in. Walking in you can’t believe your (ADJECTIVE) (BODY PART).

Everywhere you look there are freaks. You walk past the (ADJECTIVE) woman, two midgets swallowing (NOUN)s and a Russian who can (VERB) in every position. Locked in a cage is an angry dwarf dancing to (SONG TITLE) while shaking the (BODY PART) it took his mama nine months to make.

You make your way past crowds to the main stage and can’t believe what you see- a (ADJECTIVE) man with (NUMBER ABOVE 1) (BODY PART PLURAL) eating live (ANIMAL PLURAL). You are so shocked that you yell (NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE SONG). You have to get out of here before you go crazy or catch (STD).

Dodging past a man balancing on stilts, a small child with the ability to (SUPER POWER ie Fly, Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound) and a pile of shit on the ground from the world’s biggest (FARM ANIMAL) you reach the tent’s exit. “We have to get out of here!” you yell to your companion who (VERB)s to keep up with you.

Finally safe in your car you sigh. “What the hell was all that?” you ask. “I think it’s safe to say that was (NAME OF 80s SITCOM). “Yeah,” you agree. Now whaddya say we go get some birthday (SEXUAL FAVORS) and get this party started.” “Absolutely,” they agree. “I thought you’d never (VERB).”

ahsclown

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5 People Who Have it Worse Than You

​​​​When I was young I was obsessed with a Yiddish children’s book called It Could Always Be Worse. It’s about a dude whose family drives him nuts, an old world Al Bundy if you will. At the end of his rope, he goes to consult with his local Rabbi, who is super wise and essentially keeps telling this dude to buy animals, which turn the condition in his little hut from bad to the ninth circle of Hades. Al goes back to the rabbi after he accumulates an animal a day for just over a week, now utterly shellshocked in a way he hasn’t been since Marcy crashed his NO MA’AM annual meeting in the birthday suit she borrowed from Honey Boo Boo’s mom. The rabbi is all, “okay now go home and release all of the animals I’ve had you bring inside over this, the worst week of your life.” Al lets the animals out and in comparison to how bad he had it when the animals were humping Peg’s leopard skin leggings all night and making all manner of noise during his John Wayne marathon he realizes his regular life is actually pretty goddamn great. Ah perspective.

So I present to you 5 People Who Have It Worse Than You:

1. This Girl, Who Took the Walk of Shame to New Heights

(As told by a Reddit user) My friend met a guy at a bar and went back to his place where she spent the night. In the morning the guy told her that he had to go to work, but that she could hang out as long as she wanted. He even made coffee for her. He told that when she left that she needn’t worry about locking the door because it would lock behind her. She hung around a while, ate breakfast, and used the bathroom. Unfortunately, she had plugged the toilet and the fellow had no plunger. She panicked. All she could think to do was find a plastic bag and fish out the poop to unplug the toilet. She does that and now has a bag of poop to dispose of. She cleans the bathroom and gets ready to leave, figuring she can throw the poop bag in the nearest dumpster. As she is leaving she stops to write a note, setting down the bag of poop temporarily. In the note she says that he’s a great guy and she’d like to see him again. She leaves her number and heads out the door. Only to remember seconds later that she left the bag of poop with the note.

2. The Friend of the This Chick, Who Was Only Trying to Help    

On Thanksgiving night Yaasmeen Castanada complained of a sore throat. Her bestie, hating to see her in pain, forks over an antibiotic left over from an illness last month. Because honestly? No one takes them the whole prescribed time. Yaasmeen is all, “hey thanks!” and swallows it only to end up in the hospital that night and discover that she has Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, an allergic reaction to antiobiotics that causes your body to BURN FROM THE INSIDE OUT. That’s one bestie who better pony up with a good gift this Christmas.

 yasmeen
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3. The Girl Who Received This Pic In A Text Captioned “I Heart You, Bae”

weirdhair

4. This Guy’s Wife

You know that feeling you have when you’re buying beans and ramen all week so that you and your dude can make rent and then you see a McDonald’s bag stuffed into the garbage? Multiply it by about 100 and you’ll know how Henry Gribbohm’s wife feels. Apparently Henry went to the local carnival to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun, where contestants toss balls into a tub, something he had even practiced extensively beforehand and felt confident about. So confident that he brought his life savings of $2,600 as his ante. Come gametime though, Gribbohm shit the bed. Instead of a Kinect, which retails for about $250, Henry scored this rad stuffed animal.

 carnivalgame

5.Anyone who has Fulminant HPV but especially The Tree Man

A dude named Dede Kosawa from Indoneisa has three-foot, branchlike warts growing everyone on his body as a result of an HPV infection he got from a cut as a teenager. Though doctors have tried to cut them off, the warts grow back. Sometimes insects even live in his limbs. For some reason this grossed out his wife, who left him after his conditioned worsened from being able to perform in local carnivals to being hut-bound.

 
fulminant
 
If only he had properly cleaned that cut. Purell, y’all.
purell