AL Bundy

Hey Centipede, You Wanna Go to the Bar?

Happy New Year! Let’s Enjoy the Time of Year When Drive Thru Lines Are Shortest!!

chickennugs

A friend of mine recently told me about a phenomenon of his creation: the holiday hangover. When the holidays are over but their negative effects linger. Bills, having to readjust your sleep schedule, weight gain, and having to go see that big group of aholes who always let you down again. Not family. The other group: coworkers. Before I let go of vacation completely I’m going to honor it here.

Here is a breakdown of my glorious Christmas break by the numbers: 

People with the flu determined to infect me: 7

Times I got sick: 0. Thank you, Zicam nasal spray. If you believe nothing I say ever again believe this. Zicam is a miracle. It’s like Jesus Christ rolled in Wonder Bread slathered with Nutella.

New recipes prepared: 4 (latkes, macaroni & cheese balls, white clam sauce, pepperonata sauce) 

Pounds Gained: 2. See above.

Average Wakeup Time: 7 am with one very rad 9:30 am

Board Games Played: 3 (Pictionary, electronic taboo, bejeweled) Turns out Bejeweled works best as an electronic game because their algorithms ensure you have at least one match at all times. Not sure in the manual version. I got pretty defensive trying to explain to my boyfriend that it is, in fact, fun when I play it as an app.

Drinking Games Played: 1 (King’s Cup) Drinking the King’s Cup is waaaay less gross when people aren’t pouring beer and tequila up in there. The drink was actually kinda good despite my protests to the contrary.

New Movies Watched: 2 (The Interview, The Gambler with Mark Wahlberg)

New-To-Me Movies Watched: 6 (The Skeleton Twins, Aliens, Blue Jasmine, That Awkward Moment, Nebraska, The Human Centipede, Zathura)

Okay let’s stop here for a second. The Human Centipede is a spectacle to behold. It was weird, it was funny, it was the most nauseating thing I have ever seen and I have seen both Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Two Girls, One Cup. In case you’ve never seen it, here’s the gist: there’s a crazy, anti-social German doctor who earned accolades for separating Siamese twins but all that work got him to wondering a few things. 1) Would joining things together be as fulfilling as separating them and 2) Do those idiots that sit on balance balls at work ever have sore backs?

Because no one will ever know the answer to number two, the good doctor decides to tackle number one. He experiments first with dogs but then he quickly moves on to humans because really, same difference. So just as he starts amassing people to test his theory on, two American porn stars turned tourists show up at his door at night in the pouring rain asking to use the phone. Yeah I know what you’re thinking:

You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs.

But unfortunately for them, they were crashing an even freakier party. So the dude is all “come on in” so that he can promptly roofie and subdue them while he goes on out to get another person of compatible size for his project. He comes back with a very petite and yet surly Japanese man who keeps shouting the same thing:

The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner

The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner!!!

But the doc is all whatevs and proceeds to sew them together, butt-to-mouth. He gives the mouthiest chick the middle position, which is essentially just a human tube for feces to flow through and makes the sassy Japanese guy the front for whatever reason. Maybe he likes a challenge. After the centipede is completed, Dr. Feel Good wants his pet to do some really basic tricks for him like fetch and eat so much that you evacuate your bowels into the human mouth sewn to your anus.

hc2

The doctor is pleased but also already looking ahead to how he can grow the size of his pet when he runs into some problems. What, you thought I’d spoil the whole thing for you?

The weird thing is that I really thought the first one was gross but even the description of part two is way way worse. I don’t know if I can handle it. But if I’m able to, y’all are definitely going to be treated to an extremely descriptive review!!

Anyway, where were we….

Invention Ideas: 3

Viable Invention Ideas: 0

Times I Wore My Friends Shoes to the Bar Thinking They Were Mine and That My Feet had Shrunk: 1. Thankfully. In my defense how many people have both giant feet and 4-inch patent leather heels? Two apparently.

Farewell 2014, Christmas Break and all the social media friends I axed in the only kind of cleanse I’m up for after imagining a surly porn star glued to my backside. Here’s to the new year, the old me and to never getting stranded on German backroads.

Advertisements

5 People Who Have it Worse Than You

​​​​When I was young I was obsessed with a Yiddish children’s book called It Could Always Be Worse. It’s about a dude whose family drives him nuts, an old world Al Bundy if you will. At the end of his rope, he goes to consult with his local Rabbi, who is super wise and essentially keeps telling this dude to buy animals, which turn the condition in his little hut from bad to the ninth circle of Hades. Al goes back to the rabbi after he accumulates an animal a day for just over a week, now utterly shellshocked in a way he hasn’t been since Marcy crashed his NO MA’AM annual meeting in the birthday suit she borrowed from Honey Boo Boo’s mom. The rabbi is all, “okay now go home and release all of the animals I’ve had you bring inside over this, the worst week of your life.” Al lets the animals out and in comparison to how bad he had it when the animals were humping Peg’s leopard skin leggings all night and making all manner of noise during his John Wayne marathon he realizes his regular life is actually pretty goddamn great. Ah perspective.

So I present to you 5 People Who Have It Worse Than You:

1. This Girl, Who Took the Walk of Shame to New Heights

(As told by a Reddit user) My friend met a guy at a bar and went back to his place where she spent the night. In the morning the guy told her that he had to go to work, but that she could hang out as long as she wanted. He even made coffee for her. He told that when she left that she needn’t worry about locking the door because it would lock behind her. She hung around a while, ate breakfast, and used the bathroom. Unfortunately, she had plugged the toilet and the fellow had no plunger. She panicked. All she could think to do was find a plastic bag and fish out the poop to unplug the toilet. She does that and now has a bag of poop to dispose of. She cleans the bathroom and gets ready to leave, figuring she can throw the poop bag in the nearest dumpster. As she is leaving she stops to write a note, setting down the bag of poop temporarily. In the note she says that he’s a great guy and she’d like to see him again. She leaves her number and heads out the door. Only to remember seconds later that she left the bag of poop with the note.

2. The Friend of the This Chick, Who Was Only Trying to Help    

On Thanksgiving night Yaasmeen Castanada complained of a sore throat. Her bestie, hating to see her in pain, forks over an antibiotic left over from an illness last month. Because honestly? No one takes them the whole prescribed time. Yaasmeen is all, “hey thanks!” and swallows it only to end up in the hospital that night and discover that she has Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, an allergic reaction to antiobiotics that causes your body to BURN FROM THE INSIDE OUT. That’s one bestie who better pony up with a good gift this Christmas.

 yasmeen
giphy

3. The Girl Who Received This Pic In A Text Captioned “I Heart You, Bae”

weirdhair

4. This Guy’s Wife

You know that feeling you have when you’re buying beans and ramen all week so that you and your dude can make rent and then you see a McDonald’s bag stuffed into the garbage? Multiply it by about 100 and you’ll know how Henry Gribbohm’s wife feels. Apparently Henry went to the local carnival to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun, where contestants toss balls into a tub, something he had even practiced extensively beforehand and felt confident about. So confident that he brought his life savings of $2,600 as his ante. Come gametime though, Gribbohm shit the bed. Instead of a Kinect, which retails for about $250, Henry scored this rad stuffed animal.

 carnivalgame

5.Anyone who has Fulminant HPV but especially The Tree Man

A dude named Dede Kosawa from Indoneisa has three-foot, branchlike warts growing everyone on his body as a result of an HPV infection he got from a cut as a teenager. Though doctors have tried to cut them off, the warts grow back. Sometimes insects even live in his limbs. For some reason this grossed out his wife, who left him after his conditioned worsened from being able to perform in local carnivals to being hut-bound.

 
fulminant
 
If only he had properly cleaned that cut. Purell, y’all.
purell