Twas the Night Before My Egg Nog Enema

Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Came the sound of me sloshing
More wine on my blouse

For months I’ve worked hard
And suspended my naughty
I’ve run around ragged
And taken years off my body

I bought gifts for my friends
My mom and my boss
And hustled around Target
Marshalls and Ross

If that bitch Karma knows
What I am owed
I’ll get cash and clear spirits
Delivered in loads

I’ve cleaned and I’ve cooked
And wrapped more than Dre
Can’t wait for my efforts
To be undone in one day

As Bob Seger would say
We’ve got tonight
To bask in the tinsel and
Holly and lights

So let’s drink and let’s dance
And feel all sorts of merry
Before stepping on the scale
To a number that’s scary

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Keep Your Germs, You Filthy Animal

There are lots of times I’d like to get sick and sit around in bed watching old Seinfeld episodes or playing this game where I listen to really sad songs on repeat and wondering how many times I can play it before I either text that old friend who I haven’t spoken to in years out of the blue or get into the bathtub holding a cement block. It’s a super fun game. Kind of like Jumanji but way more interactive!

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

Bring me my breakfast in bedddddd

The holidays, one of the only times where everyone gets off work anyway, is NOT one of those times. The holidays are for funneling egg nog, chain smoking, watching Christmas movies and ingratiating myself to old relatives on the off chance they die soon and have no other ideas for appropriate heirs.
Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy

Santy don’t visit the funeral homes, little buddy

But because everyone is saving their vacation time to blow on Christmas break everyone has come to work the past couple of weeks more sick than a priest with an annual passport to Disneyland. If I got a nickel for every time I said “bless you” or “god, that sounds awful” or “idlovetotryoneofyourhomemadetreatseventhoughiveseenyouinthebathroomandiknowyoudontwashyourhands” I would have myself a merry little Christmas to the tune of a PS4 and a house elf like Harry Potter had to do all my bidding.

Dobby is sorry he forgot to get the Marie Callender’s Ranch again, Amber Edwards. He knows how you hate the celery-laden mess that is Hidden Valley

At first I reacted the same way I always do when I’m around sick people, with that “I hardly ever get sick” swagger. But now I’m starting to get scared. By the time I get full-on congested, leaking, hacking sick these fools will be all better and I’ll be like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off before he finally grew a pair and realized being the third wheel to a really hot couple isn’t so bad if you take frequent bathroom breaks. Except Cameron was stupid rich and could do rad voice impressions. I am without those particular consolations to keep me warm at night when I’m freezing from a fever and everyone else is nestled all snug in their beds.

So fair readers, if you think coming to work sick any time -but especially this most sacred time of year- makes you a hero, think again. It makes you a dick. And it makes the rest of us kinda hate you and that? is that gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Jam? How's about I jam this up your ass?

Jam? How’s about I jam this up your ass?

Wanna Have Makeup Text?

If I was comparing girls to cars in terms of maintenance I’d be that old beater that keeps ticking as long as you bring it into the shop every so often and run it through even the gas station car wash once in awhile. I can be ready in five minutes if need be and look just fine.

This is me normally.

Ready in five minutes.

Ready in five minutes.

In fact when I do wear makeup I hardly recognize myself.
makeup

That makeup was professionally done and took the girl 30 minutes, you guys. All this to say that the appeal of permanent makeup is not lost on me. But it just seems like so many things could go wrong. For your visual entertainment here are reasons 1 through 3 why permanent makeup is a horrible idea.

1. The Girl Who Shoulda Learned About Bad Decisions From Her Neck Tat

Maybe if I just grow out my bangs?

Maybe if I just grow out my bangs?

2. The Girl Who Couldn’t Be Any More Surprised If She Woke Up Tomorrow With Her Head Sewn to the Carpet
myspace

3. The Girl Whose Sad Eyes Say It All
wasitsomethingisaid

So yeah I’m gonna stick to bad decisions with a shortish shelf life if it’s all the same to you. Unless they come out with that next-level Face Off type shit and I can somehow drug someone really attractive long enough to steal their face.

If I were to let you read my blog would you be grateful?

If I were to let you read my blog would you be grateful?

5 People Who Have it Worse Than You

​​​​When I was young I was obsessed with a Yiddish children’s book called It Could Always Be Worse. It’s about a dude whose family drives him nuts, an old world Al Bundy if you will. At the end of his rope, he goes to consult with his local Rabbi, who is super wise and essentially keeps telling this dude to buy animals, which turn the condition in his little hut from bad to the ninth circle of Hades. Al goes back to the rabbi after he accumulates an animal a day for just over a week, now utterly shellshocked in a way he hasn’t been since Marcy crashed his NO MA’AM annual meeting in the birthday suit she borrowed from Honey Boo Boo’s mom. The rabbi is all, “okay now go home and release all of the animals I’ve had you bring inside over this, the worst week of your life.” Al lets the animals out and in comparison to how bad he had it when the animals were humping Peg’s leopard skin leggings all night and making all manner of noise during his John Wayne marathon he realizes his regular life is actually pretty goddamn great. Ah perspective.

So I present to you 5 People Who Have It Worse Than You:

1. This Girl, Who Took the Walk of Shame to New Heights

(As told by a Reddit user) My friend met a guy at a bar and went back to his place where she spent the night. In the morning the guy told her that he had to go to work, but that she could hang out as long as she wanted. He even made coffee for her. He told that when she left that she needn’t worry about locking the door because it would lock behind her. She hung around a while, ate breakfast, and used the bathroom. Unfortunately, she had plugged the toilet and the fellow had no plunger. She panicked. All she could think to do was find a plastic bag and fish out the poop to unplug the toilet. She does that and now has a bag of poop to dispose of. She cleans the bathroom and gets ready to leave, figuring she can throw the poop bag in the nearest dumpster. As she is leaving she stops to write a note, setting down the bag of poop temporarily. In the note she says that he’s a great guy and she’d like to see him again. She leaves her number and heads out the door. Only to remember seconds later that she left the bag of poop with the note.

2. The Friend of the This Chick, Who Was Only Trying to Help    

On Thanksgiving night Yaasmeen Castanada complained of a sore throat. Her bestie, hating to see her in pain, forks over an antibiotic left over from an illness last month. Because honestly? No one takes them the whole prescribed time. Yaasmeen is all, “hey thanks!” and swallows it only to end up in the hospital that night and discover that she has Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, an allergic reaction to antiobiotics that causes your body to BURN FROM THE INSIDE OUT. That’s one bestie who better pony up with a good gift this Christmas.

 yasmeen
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3. The Girl Who Received This Pic In A Text Captioned “I Heart You, Bae”

weirdhair

4. This Guy’s Wife

You know that feeling you have when you’re buying beans and ramen all week so that you and your dude can make rent and then you see a McDonald’s bag stuffed into the garbage? Multiply it by about 100 and you’ll know how Henry Gribbohm’s wife feels. Apparently Henry went to the local carnival to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun, where contestants toss balls into a tub, something he had even practiced extensively beforehand and felt confident about. So confident that he brought his life savings of $2,600 as his ante. Come gametime though, Gribbohm shit the bed. Instead of a Kinect, which retails for about $250, Henry scored this rad stuffed animal.

 carnivalgame

5.Anyone who has Fulminant HPV but especially The Tree Man

A dude named Dede Kosawa from Indoneisa has three-foot, branchlike warts growing everyone on his body as a result of an HPV infection he got from a cut as a teenager. Though doctors have tried to cut them off, the warts grow back. Sometimes insects even live in his limbs. For some reason this grossed out his wife, who left him after his conditioned worsened from being able to perform in local carnivals to being hut-bound.

 
fulminant
 
If only he had properly cleaned that cut. Purell, y’all.
purell

A Few of My Favorite Things

You know that moment in your day when one bad thing can become magnified into everything that is wrong with your life and create a tsunami of frustration/sadness/aggravation? That traffic jam, that broken grocery bag handle, that missing cup of beloved sweet n sour sauce. Nearly every day I have moments like this, moments where I’m outraged that the good day I feel entitled to becomes marred. It is that entitlement that takes me away from being able to appreciate everything in my life going right big and small, that stops me from noticing that I have a job, a home, a boyfriend and the most hilarious, supportive and entertaining friends and family a girl could want. It stops me from being happy that I have a nice car to get stuck in traffic in, money to buy the groceries now rolling down the gd driveway and…that’s where I have to stop. There is nothing redeemable about chicken nuggets without sweet n sour. They’re necessary. Like silpats to baking or pore minimizer to Bruce Jenner.

You're just jealous because other than the dick I have a better body than you. (He's not wrong)

You’re just jealous because other than the dick I have a better body than you. (He’s not wrong)

Whenever I have these thoughts I start working on reversing my negativity by counting my blessings and internally I am always able to bring myself around. Still it has occurred to me that it would be rad if there was a place I could go to that would expedite the frown turning upside down, an external source for busting up entitltement. Since I couldn’t find such a place I decided to create it. I present to you The Unentitlement Project. Any time you’re feeling like a nugget without its sauce, come on over.

Since it’s day one, I’m not going to go too deep. I’m just going to write a quick poem to the tune of My Favorite Things:

Meatballs on pasta and caramel on ice cream

Banging Mark Wahlberg in a really long dream

My sausage fingers all covered in rings

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Rocky Balboa pounding Apollo

Watching Real Housewives because I am shallow

Ignoring the calls of creepers that cling

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Dogs wearing sweaters and cops without radar

Dancing with men who set off my gaydar

A bucket of blue cheese and all of the wings

These are a few of my favorite things

 

When the boss lurks

When the cramps hurt

When I’m as broke as a bum

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel soooo glum

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